job search is lookin glum. need to start making more money than i spend. whatever keep the people happy and keep the criticizers criticizin. need some reassurance. need some love. need some mortification. probably need some ecstacy or something. feel very restricted in my home atmosphere. exile is appealing. job market is a bitch. non-profit literature is strange. i play basketball but for what? no practice, nor discipline, no coach, no teammates, nothin to stay on target. the target continually shifts. changes. can be a woman, a company, a whole lot of money, a trip to outer space, prestige, wealth, etc. this is how it is.